Real Christians Don’t Wear Mixed Fibers

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Yesterday, I woke up before dawn since I felt led to read the Scriptures early in the morning. Reading before you are quite awake and cognizant is clearly the most holy time. I am really praying for those poor souls who have coffee before their devotional, or, heaven forbid, read the Bible after 7:00 am.

I flipped open my big red letter, gold gilt edged, King James Version, closed my eyes, and let my finger fall on the page, because how else would you know God is speaking to you. It was Deuteronomy 22:11 “Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woolen and linen together.”

Oh no! I exclaimed. I looked towards my closet, full of poly blend blouses, cotton and spandex jeans, and a pair of pants actually made from a linen and wool mix. Before I panicked too much though, I woke up my sleeping husband to ask him to explain the verse, because I, as a woman, couldn’t interpret the Bible myself. He groggily looked at the verse and said “I think it means you can’t wear clothes with mixed fibers” and went back to sleep.

I felt convicted and I knew I had to act, after all, the Bible said it; I believed it; that settles it. I got out of bed, searched through my clothing and finally found an outfit that matched the biblical requirements: a jean skirt made out of 100% cotton and a 100% wool sweater. I pulled these on and considered the rest of my closet. That many clothes would be expensive to replace, plus I had some really cute things I loved in there. I had learned my lesson after burning all my secular CDs after church camp, then replacing them when I backslid, and having to burn them all again after the fiery tent revival pastor screamed that AC/DC meant “Anti-Christian/Devil’s Children”. Plus my closet was still pretty sparse from the time that I burned everything made from GAP since that meant “Gay American Pride.” I decided to just close my closet doors. After all, appearance is what matters. I wouldn’t be “causing anyone to stumble” if they only saw what I was wearing and ignored what was in my closet.

I posted on Facebook that “Real Christians shouldn’t wear mixed fiber clothes” and grabbed the cake that I had made for the potluck at work. When I got to work, I couldn’t help noticing all the mixed fibers. I mean, I would have to check tags to be positive, but I was pretty sure that the secretary was wearing a wool/acrylic blend cardigan. I shook my head. She was a missionary’s wife but she still flaunted her mixed fiber wearing in my face.

Lunch was a little awkward since I would only serve cake to those who were not wearing blends. I made them all show me their tags before giving them a slice. It was their fault if they didn’t get cake, since they chose the mixed fiber lifestyle after all. They should know better, even the ones who say they are not Christians. This is America after all. I told them that I loved the sinner, but hated the sin, so they couldn’t have the cake I made and I told them I would pray for them. Only one other person had 100% cotton on, and it was fluke, but she and I got to spend some quality time judging, I mean, praying for, the others. Really, I felt like that was what Jesus would do. He didn’t hang out with sinners after all; he wouldn’t want me to.

When I got home, I checked my Facebook and some of my so called Christian friends actually questioned my post.  They asked about the version of the Bible I was referencing, and I told them that I was reading the King James Version, which was good enough for Jesus, so it was good enough for me. They asked me about context and meaning and I responded that “The Bible clearly states, don’t wear mixed fibers.” Really! I couldn’t believe the nerve of these people to question my interpretation. What kind of leftist questions are those? They must be progressives, which everyone knows is just as bad as being an athiest.

After eating a nice appetizer of shrimp cocktail, then a main course of ham, mashed potatoes made with creamy butter and milk for dinner, I went to sleep soundly, dreaming of what verse my finger might fall on tomorrow and what new things I could judge people for.

In other news, Katie Hopkins was right. It is super easy to lose weight with just a bit fewer calories and some exercise. A month into her diet program, I am a svelte 125lbs, super happy, and fabulously healthy.

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